Playa del Carmen, Mexico

Despite Coman having done the PR for Alton Towers a few years ago, we're not exactly theme-park kinda people. So booking a day out to Xcaret, one of the many huge adventure playgrounds catering to the masses of tourists on the Mayan Riviera, is a bit of a gamble.

But what prompts us to choose this is the fact it's more of a cultural 'eco' experience than the zip-line/scuba/wet'n'wild/adrenalin funfest designed to strip families of their life-savings and provoke yee-haw craziness from the hordes of cruise-ship passengers ferried there on a daily basis from their stopover in Cancun.

That's not to say that it doesn't cater for those who wish to swim with dolphins, 'sea trek' underwater coral reefs in huge plastic helmets, man-handle stingrays and generally spend hundreds of extra US dollars above and beyond the general admission price.

However it also celebrates Mexican and Mayan history, wildlife and culture as part and parcel of its already pricey fee so we're happy to go for that. Especially as we get to don snorkel and flippers and swim a kilometre down an underground river anyway. Quite enough adventure for one day.

So we board the colourful Xcaret bus sent to our hotel at 9.30am and fifteen minutes later arrive at the 200 acre site built around an ancient coastal Maya village surrounded by jungle. A huge Mexican flag flies outside celebrating the fact that this is the ninth most visited country in the world with 24 million visitors a year. France tops the list with over 70 million visitors followed by the US, Spain, China, Italy, UK, Germany, Canada, Mexio and then Australia, fact fans!

The first thing that awaits us as we walk through the turnstiles is a giftshop the size of most out-of-town supermarkets, stuffed floor to ceiling with colourful souvenir magic that will part parents from their wallets faster than an ADHD kid on a three-day sugar-rush.

And with no further ado we're pointed straight in the direction of the 'Optional Extras' desks to sign up for the dolphin/stingray/shark/'snuba'/tube-rid ing add-ons at eye-watering prices. We 'opt' not to, and keep on walking.

Having gone for the 'Xcaret Plus' admission package we not only have a buffet lunch thrown in (woo-hoo!) but lockers, showers, towels and all our equipment hire for the underground river too, so off we go to get changed and plunge into the waters.

The Yucatan area is famous for its 'cenotes', which are sinkholes, caverns and underground water systems which you can snorkel or scuba in, around stalacmites and stalactites amongst many other stunning geological wonders. This is the somewhat 'Disney-fied' version of those phenomena, man-made and unthreatening, without the natural wonders but still with enough of a frisson of danger to have many of the women and children ahead of us looking terrified when confronted with the reality of what they're about to do.

Clad in pink life-vests, snorkels and flippers we have to choose one of three river systems so go for the 'Maya River' and plunge in. At first it's a bit of a free for all but as the swimmers spread out we start to float along through tunnels, emerging here and there into daylit areas, where at strategic points photographers stand to take your pic and sell it for a small fortune later.

We get snapped in front of a chap dressed as a Mayan jaguar and amongst tree roots and think "what the hell, may as well", so grab the prints. After all, it'll be a few days until we get our underwater camera developed, once we've snorkled the reef off Cozumel.

Eventually we emerge at the far side of the park, by the sea and our clothes are waiting for us, having been sent ahead. We wander back through the park, past the beach areas where families are floating on inner tubes in beautiful inlets or snorkelling on the local reefs, and the wildlife enclosures housing deer, spider monkeys, tapirs, flamingos and more until we get to the Mexican 'papapntla' men.

These crazy yet hypnotic souls climb poles that slowly turn around and around to the sound of a drum and flute, then cast off from the top and fall upside down on ropes in ever-widening circles. It's transfixing and beautiful, a ritual to call upon the gods to bless the fertility of the land.

Sadly (for us, but I'm sure not the flying men) the pole here isn't very tall but I've witnessed this in other parts of Mexico where the pole is well over a hundred feet high and the spinning descent takes 20 minutes. It's all over in three or four minutes today, but I'd still never do it for all the chocolate in Me-hico!

Elsewhere we head along the 'tropical jungle trail', watching people get their dolphin "experience", check out a turtle aquarium and investigate the Mayan ruins, dating back to the time of Christ. Xcaret was originally named Pole and by 1000AD was a major trading port between settlements in the Yucutan, Guatemala and Honduras. It was also the main embarkation point for pilgrims heading to Cozumel to visit the shrine of the goddess Ixchet.

The park has thousands of visitors in it but we still find plenty of tranquil spots and are intrigued to see that the majority of sightseers (outside of the hyper-expensive areas) are Mexican families who obviously enjoy the cultural aspects we're heading for shortly.

But first there's La Cocina. Of all the restaurants in the park this is the only one dedicated to Mexican cuisine and is situated next to a Hispanic-style village square including its own church and horse-display area where rancheros stride manfully around. The Mexican house band gently serenade us all as we gratefully sink into the shade and take the weight from aching feet.

The buffet is huge. There's a vast and delicious array of salads then all sorts of pork, beef, chicken, fish and vegetable dishes with salsas, chipotle, peppers, tortillas, rice, burritos, refried beans, avocados and more. Pretty much every regional cuisine is represented from Oaxacan cheeses to Wahacan chilis and we're brought guanaba and jamaica infused waters, derived from tropical flowers. But it's so hot the only thing that really hits the spot is Corona, and even Coman knocks it back; the lime-infused freshness winning him over in the sweltering heat.

We spend an hour in this little oasis before pressing on through a winding cave system where Coman, having gone on ahead, leaps out at some unsuspecting and very startled tourists thinking they were me. They scurry off while he sheepishly giggles and I roar with laughter.

We emerge into the heart of the Mayan pueblo, based beside the river, just as a traditional ritual display takes place. There's lots of chanting, drumming, fire and incense as painted Maya dance warlike routines summoning gods and worshipping nature. It's pretty impressive but not quite the stuff of anthropological research, being played out for the ever-flashing cameras, so after 15 minutes of jostling with other tourists we sneak off to check out the nearby Mexican cemetary and ascend the viewing tower high above the jungle.

When we descend it's almost 6pm and time for the day's finale, a spectacular cultural show in a massive arena housing at least 5000 spectators featuring an enormous cast tracing the history of Mexico from its ancient past, through its more recent folklore to modern day chanson. It's pretty fantastic.

Starting with a potted history of the Maya, incorporating many other indigenous peoples from the last three millenia who have inhabited the vast area we now call Mexico, it moves into an exhibition of the ball games they played, hitting rubberballs with their hips and, from the central Mexican Totonac tribe, a dramatic fire hockey game. From there we get the arrival of Cortes and the Spanish, their battles with the Aztecs follwed by the arrival of Catholicism and the subjugation of ancient beliefs. Finally there's a display signifying the integration of both cultures which climaxes with the release of exotic birds into the auditorium.

After the interval the performances focus on Mexican folk music and dancing; lots of colour, foot-stamping, ribbons, humour, sensuality and all of a sudden a full-on carnival featuring dolphins, an enormous multi-coloured octopus, s amba music, and OTT costumes. It's pretty psychedelic.  

There's a pause while we get another display from the papapntla flying men and then a quartet of Mexican crooners in stetsons serenade us before a mariachi band appears, led by a Mexican Tom Jones in a sombrero, who conducts the audience in a huge singalong of what must be a massively famous Mexican standard.

The whole show climaxes with lassoing horsemen and a parade of nation's flags. There's lots of the Americas represented and a fair few European nations including Britain but sadly Coman notes there's not an Irish tricolor in sight. A task for Tourism Ireland to rectify no doubt...

It's past 8pm when we all stream out, like the crowds at Wembley, and we make our bus back to the hotel just in time, exhausted but considerably entertained by our day. It's pretty much my first theme park experience, barring Universal Studios in LA, and not a rollercoaster in sight. My kinda day after all...